Questions to DFAT about Australia LOL

Not sure how true the following Q&A is, but it is said to have been taken from genuine stereotypical questions asked of an Australian government department by overseas tourists. One thing I know is true ... the answers are pure Aussie. Enjoy!

The world asks …Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) … and the Aussie answers - We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
The world asks …Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)… and the Aussie answers - Depends how much you’ve been drinking
The world asks …I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)… and the Aussie answers - Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, but take lots of water
The world asks …Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden) … and the Aussie answers - So its true what they say about Swedes.
The world asks …It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)… and the Aussie answers - Let’s not touch this one.
The world asks …Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)… and the Aussie answers - What did your last slave die of?
The world asks …Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)… and the Aussie answers - A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus- tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not … oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
The world asks …Which direction is North in Australia? … and the Aussie answers - Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) … and the Aussie answers - Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA) … and the Aussie answers - Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
The world asks …Do you have perfume in Australia? (France) A: No, WE don’t stink.
The world asks …I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia (USA) … and the Aussie answers - Anywhere a significant numbers of Americans gather.
The world asks …Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK) … and the Aussie answers - You are a British politician, right?
The world asks …Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy). … and the Aussie answers - Yes, gay nightclubs.
The world asks …Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) … and the Aussie answers - Only at Christmas.
The world asks …Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany) … and the Aussie answers - No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers and milk is illegal.
The world asks …Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum (USA). … and the Aussie answers - Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
The world asks …I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA) … and the Aussie answers - Sure, but you will still have to pay her by the hour.
The world asks …Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) … and the Aussie answers - Yes, but you may have to learn it first.